{"id":96179,"date":"2025-12-23T05:00:00","date_gmt":"2025-12-23T04:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.zpravy.pivovary.info\/?p=96179"},"modified":"2026-01-01T14:00:36","modified_gmt":"2026-01-01T13:00:36","slug":"pivni-vtipy","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.pivovary.info\/?p=96179","title":{"rendered":"Pivn\u00ed vtipy"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>I ve velk\u00e9 dob\u011b p\u0159ijde \u010dlov\u011bku vhod mal\u00e1 hosp\u016fdka.<\/p>\n<p>Pivo piju jen ve dvou p\u0159\u00edpadech:<br \/>\n1. Kdy\u017e m\u00e1m \u017e\u00edze\u0148\u2026.<br \/>\n2. A kdy\u017e ne.<\/p>\n<p>Ona: \u201eNem\u00e1m nic proti tomu, abys \u0161el s kamar\u00e1dy na pivo. Jenom chci, abys byl do osmi doma!\u201c<br \/>\nOn: \u201eNo tak teda jo. Do osmi budu doma a pak p\u016fjdu.\u201c<\/p>\n<p>Jdou z hospody ve\u010der opil\u00ed kamar\u00e1di, a ten jeden \u0159\u00edk\u00e1: &#8222;Franto, j\u00e1 vid\u00edm v\u0161echno rozdvojen\u00e9.&#8220;. Tak Franta vyt\u00e1hne z pen\u011b\u017eenky stovku a pov\u00edd\u00e1: &#8222;Tak tady m\u00e1\u0161 ty dv\u011b stovky, co jsem si od tebe v\u010dera p\u016fj\u010dil.&#8220;<\/p>\n<p>M\u00e1m si d\u00e1t je\u0161t\u011b jedno, nebo si nem\u00e1m d\u00e1t je\u0161t\u011b jedno? B\u0159icho \u0159\u00edk\u00e1 \u017ee jo, hlava zase \u017ee ne. Hlava je moud\u0159ej\u0161\u00ed ne\u017e \u017ealudek. Moud\u0159ej\u0161\u00ed tedy ustoup\u00ed&#8230; Pane vrchn\u00ed, je\u0161t\u011b jedno.<\/p>\n<p>Osm\u00fd den stvo\u0159il B\u016fh pivo\u2026 a od t\u00e9 doby ho nikdo nevid\u011bl.<\/p>\n<p>Chlap pot\u0159ebuje k \u017eivotu 34 v\u011bc\u00ed. V\u00edte, kter\u00e9? P\u0159ece karty, pivo a otv\u00edr\u00e1k.<\/p>\n<p>&#8222;Je\u0161t\u011b nikdy jsem nevid\u011bl tolik such\u00fdch hub jako v ned\u011bli.&#8220;<br \/>\n&#8222;Nepov\u00eddej, ty jsi byl v lese?&#8220;<br \/>\n&#8222;Ne, ale v hospod\u011b do\u0161lo pivo.&#8220;<\/p>\n<p>Pan\u00ed Nov\u00e1kov\u00e1 vb\u011bhne cel\u00e1 nad\u0161en\u00e1 do pokoje, kde se jej\u00ed mu\u017e d\u00edv\u00e1 na televizi:<br \/>\n&#8222;P\u0159edstav si, n\u00e1\u0161 Pet\u0159\u00ed\u010dek chod\u00ed.&#8220;<br \/>\n&#8222;Tak na co \u010dek\u00e1\u0161,&#8220; ned\u00e1 se ru\u0161it od hokeje pan Nov\u00e1k, &#8222;hned ho po\u0161li pro pivo.&#8220;<\/p>\n<p>Spr\u00e1vn\u00e9 rozhodov\u00e1n\u00ed: M\u00e1m si d\u00e1t je\u0161t\u011b jedno, nebo si nem\u00e1m d\u00e1t je\u0161t\u011b jednu? B\u0159icho \u0159\u00edk\u00e1, \u017ee jo, hlava zase, \u017ee ne. Hlava je moud\u0159ej\u0161\u00ed ne\u017e \u017ealudek. Moud\u0159ej\u0161\u00ed tedy ustoup\u00ed&#8230; Pane vrchn\u00ed, je\u0161t\u011b jedno.<br \/>\n <script async src=\"\/\/pagead2.googlesyndication.com\/pagead\/js\/adsbygoogle.js\"><\/script>\r\n<!-- zpravy -->\r\n<ins class=\"adsbygoogle\"\r\n     style=\"display:block\"\r\n     data-ad-client=\"ca-pub-5694300196982120\"\r\n     data-ad-slot=\"3541247592\"\r\n     data-ad-format=\"auto\"><\/ins>\r\n<script>\r\n(adsbygoogle = window.adsbygoogle || []).push({});\r\n<\/script><br \/>\n\u201eAle \u017eenu\u0161ko, v\u017edy\u0165 jsem za ve\u010der vypil jen dv\u011b piva, a ty si pro m\u011b p\u0159ib\u011bhne\u0161!\u201d br\u00e1n\u00ed se p\u00e1n v hospod\u011b.<br \/>\n\u201ePr\u00e1v\u011b proto, \u017ee jsi vypil jen dv\u011b piva,\u201d zlob\u00ed se man\u017eelka. \u201eHospodsk\u00fd mi volal, abych si pro tebe p\u0159i\u0161la, abys tu zbyte\u010dn\u011b nezacl\u00e1n\u011bl lep\u0161\u00edm \u0161tamgast\u016fm!\u201d<\/p>\n<p>P\u0159ijde chlap do hospody a objedn\u00e1 si u vrchn\u00edho dv\u011b piva. Vrchn\u00ed mu je donese a je mu divn\u00e9, pro\u010d si samotn\u00fd chlap objednal dv\u011b piva. A chlap mu \u0159\u00edk\u00e1: \u201eJ\u00e1 m\u00e1m nemocn\u00e9ho bratra, a tak piju i za n\u011bho.\u201d<br \/>\nDruh\u00fd den chlap p\u0159ijde a objedn\u00e1 si jen jedno pivo a vrchn\u00ed pov\u00edd\u00e1: \u201eTo je mi l\u00edto, pan bratr zem\u0159el,\u017ee.\u201d<br \/>\n\u201eNe,\u201d chl\u00e1pek na to, \u201eale p\u0159estal jsem p\u00edt.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Jak mu\u017e dokazuje, \u017ee mysl\u00ed na budoucnost?<br \/>\nKoup\u00ed dv\u011b basy piva m\u00edsto jedn\u00e9.<\/p>\n<p>\u201eMil\u00e1\u010dku, nep\u016fjdeme spolu na romantickou proch\u00e1zku?\u201d<br \/>\n\u201eA to si ta piva nem\u016f\u017ee\u0161 koupit dom\u016f?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Pov\u00edd\u00e1 sousedka sousedce: \u201eM\u016fj starej vyd\u011bl\u00e1v\u00e1 vosum tis\u00edc \u010dist\u00fdho, k tomu ka\u017edej m\u011bs\u00edc vrac\u00edme devades\u00e1t fla\u0161ek vod p\u00edva a my nejsme schopni s t\u00edm v\u0161\u00edm vyj\u00edt.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Jeden trose\u010dn\u00edk byl u\u017e patn\u00e1ct let s\u00e1m na pust\u00e9m ostrov\u011b, a\u017e mu kone\u010dn\u011b jednou vyvrhlo mo\u0159e na b\u0159eh \u017eenu. Hned trose\u010dn\u00edka objala a pravila: \u201eTady m\u011b m\u00e1\u0161! Te\u010f bude\u0161 m\u00edt v\u0161echno to, na\u010d jsi tak dlouho a tou\u017eebn\u011b \u010dekal!\u201d<br \/>\n\u201eCo\u017ee?\u201d zaraduje se chlap. \u201eTy m\u00e1\u0161 n\u011bkde bednu piva?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Angli\u010dan, Skot a Ir pij\u00ed pivo. T\u011b\u0161\u00ed se, jak si smo\u010d\u00ed rty v lahodn\u00e9m \u010dern\u00e9m moku. Najednou ka\u017ed\u00e9mu z nich p\u0159ist\u00e1la na sklenici moucha a uv\u00edzla v hust\u00e9 p\u011bn\u011b.<br \/>\nAngli\u010dan sv\u00e9 pivo znechucen\u011b odstr\u010dil. Ir jedn\u00edm prstem mouchu vylovil a po\u0159\u00e1dn\u011b se napil. A Skot vyt\u00e1hl tu mouchu z piva, podr\u017eel ji nad sklenic\u00ed a za\u0159val: \u201eVyplivni to, ty potvoro! Vyplivni to!\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Pivovar je teplota, p\u0159i kter\u00e9 se pive\u010dko va\u0159\u00ed.<\/p>\n<p>V\u00edte, pro\u010d \u010d\u00ed\u0161n\u00edci v\u011bt\u0161inou \u0159\u00edkaj\u00ed: \u201eD\u00e1te si pive\u010dko?\u201c Proto\u017ee je v\u017edycky men\u0161\u00ed, ne\u017e m\u00e1 b\u00fdt..<\/p>\n<p>Ty vidiny m\u00e1te z pit\u00ed. Dejte si rad\u011bji m\u00edsto ka\u017ed\u00e9ho piva jedno jablko.&#8220;<br \/>\n&#8211; &#8222;To asi nep\u016fjde, pane doktore.&#8220;<br \/>\n&#8211; &#8222;Pro\u010d?&#8220;<br \/>\n&#8211; &#8222;U\u017e jste n\u011bkdy sn\u011bdl p\u011btat\u0159icet jablek denn\u011b?&#8220;<\/p>\n<p>&#8222;Jedno pivo!&#8220; poru\u010d\u00ed si host. \u010c\u00ed\u0161n\u00edk p\u0159inese evidentn\u00edho nap\u011bn\u011bn\u00e9ho podm\u00edr\u00e1ka. &#8211; &#8222;Doto\u010dte to, pros\u00edm.&#8220; &#8211; &#8222;To nen\u00ed t\u0159eba, to dojde.&#8220; Host po chv\u00edli odch\u00e1z\u00ed: &#8211; &#8222;Plat\u00edm !&#8220; &#8211; &#8222;Bude to 13,50 K\u010d.&#8220; Host pod\u00e1v\u00e1 desetikorunu. &#8211; &#8222;Pardon, \u0159\u00edkal jsem 13,50!&#8220; &#8211; &#8222;To je v po\u0159\u00e1dku, to dojde.&#8220;<\/p>\n<p>Osm\u00fd den stvo\u0159il B\u016fh pivo\u2026 a od t\u00e9 doby ho nikdo nevid\u011bl.<\/p>\n<p>Zn\u00e1te t\u0159i z\u00e1kladn\u00ed \u010desk\u00e9 l\u017ei?<br \/>\n1. Jdeme na jedno.<br \/>\n2. Dopijem a pudem.<br \/>\n3. Od z\u00edt\u0159ka nechlast\u00e1m<\/p>\n<p>Sed\u00ed \u017eenat\u00fd mu\u017e v restauraci a p\u0159em\u00fd\u0161l\u00ed:<br \/>\n&#8222;Jak to \u0159\u00edkala moje star\u00e1? Vypij dv\u011b piva a p\u0159ij\u010f v deset? Nebo vypij deset piv a p\u0159ij\u010f ve dv\u011b&#8230;?&#8220;<\/p>\n<p>Man\u017eelka se pt\u00e1 sv\u00e9ho mu\u017ee: &#8222;Kam jsi dal t\u011bch 200 korun , co jsi dostal na n\u00e1kup ?&#8220;<br \/>\n&#8222;Jednomu star\u0161\u00edmu mu\u017ei .&#8220;<br \/>\n&#8222;Odkdy jsi takov\u00fd lidumil? Co vlastn\u011b ten chlap d\u011blal?&#8220;<br \/>\n&#8222;\u010cepoval pivo!&#8220;<\/p>\n<p>V pivnici se pt\u00e1 host \u0161\u00e9fa. Co je to tu za divn\u00fd z\u00e1pach? \u010cerstv\u00fd vzduch pane, v\u011btr\u00e1me.<\/p>\n<p>Do restaurace p\u0159ijde star\u0161\u00ed pan\u00ed. V\u0161ude je obsazeno, jen u jednoho stolu sed\u00ed osam\u011bl\u00fd piva\u0159. Pan\u00ed se pt\u00e1, zda si m\u016f\u017ee p\u0159isednout. Mu\u017e p\u0159ik\u00fdvne se slovy: \u201eAle upozor\u0148uji v\u00e1s, \u017ee po t\u0159et\u00edm pivu jsem hrozn\u011b sprost\u00fd.\u201c Pan\u00ed si p\u0159isedne a nesm\u011ble se pt\u00e1: \u201eA kolik\u00e1t\u00e9 pivo pijete? P\u00e1t\u00fd, ty star\u00e1 \u0161keble! \u201e<\/p>\n<p>Ptaj\u00ed se piva\u0159e kamar\u00e1di: \u201ePro\u010d zav\u00edr\u00e1\u0161 o\u010di, kdy\u017e pije\u0161?\u201d<br \/>\n\u201eSl\u00edbil jsem \u017een\u011b, \u017ee se na chlast u\u017e ani nepod\u00edv\u00e1m!\u201d<\/p>\n<p>P\u0159ijde chlape\u010dek do hospody, sedne si ke stolu a \u0159\u00edk\u00e1 serv\u00edrce:Jednu des\u00edtku!&#8220;<br \/>\nServ\u00edrka: &#8222;A kolik je ti, chlape\u010dku?&#8220;<br \/>\n&#8222;Osum.&#8220;<br \/>\n&#8222;A to by ti nesta\u010dil d\u017eus?&#8220;<br \/>\n&#8222;No, sta\u010dil, ale chyb\u00ed mi dv\u011b koruny &#8230;&#8220;<\/p>\n<p>&#8222;Tak v t\u00e9 nov\u00e9 hospod\u011b pr\u00fd maj\u00ed pivo jako k\u0159en.&#8220; &#8211; &#8222;To je mo\u017en\u00e9, p\u0159i placen\u00ed mi v\u017edy vyhrknou slzy!&#8220;<\/p>\n<p>Podle posledn\u00edch pr\u016fzkumu pivo m\u00e1 hodn\u011b \u017eensk\u00fdch hormon\u016f.<br \/>\nT\u00edm se vysv\u011btlilo pro\u010d:<br \/>\n-po p\u00e1r pivech \u0159\u00edd\u00edme mnohem h\u016f\u0159e<br \/>\n-po osmi pivech se sm\u011bjeme ka\u017ed\u00e9 hovadin\u011b<br \/>\n-po dvan\u00e1cti pivech \u010d\u016fr\u00e1me v sed\u011b<br \/>\n<br \/>\nJak si mu\u017e p\u0159edstavuje j\u00eddlo o sedmi chodech? Pizza a \u0161est plechovek<br \/>\npiva.<\/p>\n<p>Pepa potk\u00e1 kamar\u00e1da: \u010cau, kam jde\u0161?<br \/>\nNa pivo.<br \/>\nTy m\u011b v\u017edycky ukec\u00e1\u0161&#8230;<\/p>\n<p>P\u0159\u00edjde kostra do hospody. Bouchne p\u011bst\u00ed do stolu a poru\u010d\u00ed si: Jedno pivo a hadr.<\/p>\n<p>Bav\u00ed se Angli\u010dan, Francouz a \u010cech. Angli\u010dan \u0159\u00edk\u00e1: My v pond\u011bl\u00ed za\u010dneme stav\u011bt hotel a v p\u00e1tek u\u017e se v n\u011bm bydl\u00ed. Francouz na to : To nic nen\u00ed. My za\u010dneme v pond\u011bl\u00ed stav\u011bt obchodn\u00ed d\u016fm a v \u00fater\u00fd se v n\u011bm u\u017e nakupuje. A \u010cech \u0159\u00edk\u00e1 : Ale chlapi, to my za\u010dneme v pond\u011bl\u00ed r\u00e1no stav\u011bt pivovar a v deset jsou u\u017e v\u0161ichni o\u017eral\u00ed.<\/p>\n<p>\u010cech je ztracen v pou\u0161ti. Po dlouh\u00e9m putov\u00e1n\u00ed nalezne kouzelnou lampu, zap\u00e1l\u00ed ji a objev\u00ed se D\u017ein. Nab\u00eddne mu spln\u011bn\u00ed t\u0159\u00ed p\u0159\u00e1n\u00ed.<br \/>\n\u201eChci jedno p\u011bkn\u011b vychlazen\u00e9 pivo,\u201d rozk\u00e1\u017ee \u010cech.<br \/>\nObjev\u00ed se orosen\u00e1 l\u00e1hev s pivem, \u010cech ji na ex vypije, postav\u00ed na zem a l\u00e1hev se okam\u017eit\u011b sama dopln\u00ed studen\u00fdm pivem.<br \/>\n\u201eTo je kouzeln\u00e1 l\u00e1hev, ta nikdy nevyschne,\u201d vysv\u011btluje D\u017ein. \u201eJak\u00e1 jsou tv\u00e1 dal\u0161\u00ed dv\u011b p\u0159\u00e1n\u00ed?\u201d<br \/>\n\u010cech bez v\u00e1h\u00e1n\u00ed odpov\u00ed: \u201eDej mi je\u0161t\u011b dv\u011b takov\u00e9.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Lo\u010f ztroskotala, ale dva mu\u017ei se zachr\u00e1nili ve \u010dlunu. \u010ctvrt\u00fd den se objevila mo\u0159sk\u00e1 panna a \u0159ekla, \u017ee si mohou p\u0159\u00e1t jedno p\u0159\u00e1n\u00ed. Chl\u00e1pci p\u0159em\u00fd\u0161leli a p\u0159em\u00fd\u0161leli a vtom jeden vyk\u0159ikl: P\u0159eji si, aby v mo\u0159i bylo m\u00edsto vody pivo. Stalo se a panna zmizela. Po chv\u00edli se ozval ten druh\u00fd : Fajn, tak\u017ee te\u010f mus\u00edme \u010d\u016frat do lodi&#8230;<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>I ve velk\u00e9 dob\u011b p\u0159ijde \u010dlov\u011bku vhod mal\u00e1 hosp\u016fdka. Pivo piju jen ve dvou p\u0159\u00edpadech: 1. Kdy\u017e m\u00e1m \u017e\u00edze\u0148\u2026. 2. A kdy\u017e ne. Ona: \u201eNem\u00e1m nic proti tomu, abys \u0161el s kamar\u00e1dy na pivo.&#46;&#46;&#46;<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":96174,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"ngg_post_thumbnail":24378,"footnotes":""},"categories":[286,262],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-96179","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-news","category-pivni-toulky"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.pivovary.info\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/96179","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.pivovary.info\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.pivovary.info\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.pivovary.info\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.pivovary.info\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=96179"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.pivovary.info\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/96179\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.pivovary.info\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/96174"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.pivovary.info\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=96179"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.pivovary.info\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=96179"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.pivovary.info\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=96179"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}